louez louez gloire a jesus halleluia

am i going home or am i home?
will i see my family or am i leaving it?
will i rediscover who i am?
or am i leaving who i am in the south of france?

am i leaving my own bed for my own bed?
i'm going from now familiar streets to streets that once were
from songs that i now know to songs i knew
is tv really as good as i don't remember missing?

to the angles that are watching over me
can i take you home with me?

or am i already home?

well dear friends and family. these are the words that came to me through the trees and rosemary and thyme and cade during my 7 hour hike with a beautiful woman called lydie. we spent the day in the nature. i spent the day with God. and i tried to accept the fact that i'm going home. and something spoke to my soul, maybe it was the bees buzzing around our bagette of olives and dried fruit that wispered to my spirit - you are home.

and that, my friends is truth.

at church on sunday everyone is greeted with a cute little french bisous, a friendly kiss on the cheek to all who is considered familiar. but with the plaque i can not bisous a man. it's just like that. everyone knows. well sunday standing in a group of members bishop when around passing out bisous and he came to me and started to lean in. we both realized that oops that's not actually allowed to happen. and he looked at me and said that he is just so used to seeing my face around that i seem like family to him. i'm a member of the ward. i wish i was. how i wish i was.

last tuesday, serge took us for african food. and nadiya came to keep us obedient. and she called her friends. and we foudn ourselves in a small resturant with lots of friends and the most amazing fried plaintains ever. stear clear of ginger drinks after dinner but other than that it was absolutly excellent. and becuaes we finished dinner at 9 the metro was no longer availible to drive us home. and we had to pass by the train station to pick up some strayed sisters (story later) that my little group of friends traversed the beautiful city of marseille on foot. and we laughed and i had no desire to go in and keep my curfew. how much i love them...

i'm leaving home for home. in 14 days it's finished. no more door to door. no more nylons. no more planning and not eating. no more hand shake only. no more 10:30 lights out. no more sonia or lydie or nadiya or serge or bernard...oh bernard how i love him. or mami odette. or french bagettes or yougurt and granola breakfast...or bishop...george, craig the scottish guy, madame bruno. how do you live with out the people you love. i've survived for these 18 months becuaes there is a promise of return. but now...what will i do?

many if not everyone is prophesying my future. and many if not all promise me enormous happiness. blanchard claims an amazing charming beautiful man that will give me only the most beautiful children. lydie had a flash and saw me so happy as a cherished wife. madame bruno said that He is from new york but will appreciate a great stroll at palais longchamp. michelle knows becuaes God reasured her that i will be found by him.

who knows? apperantly they all do.

and mary elise, roselyne. the deangelis, astrucs, conts, sordais, ridet, sr trabaut... it just can't be happening.

so here's a funny story. the aix soeurs came down last week to pass the afternoon. they brought ludo and harold with them. and we laughed and it was great. and they had to leave for a conference and harold had to leave for an interview. and ludo went to the train station to see them all off. problem is the soeurs hopped the train with all his affaires. and he found himself lost at the train station without a wallet, phone, or way to go anywhere. the sissters called us. i pulled haakey out of the shower. we caught a metro and went on a ludo hunt. we took ludo with us to see serge and it turned out great anyway. but we didn't know the sisters got to montpeilier and tured right back around and came back to marseille. they started calling about 8:00 and i realized about 9. so we passed by the trainstation on our little promenade home. and they stayed the night and it was fun. they also stayed the next day and it wasn't quite as fun. we went on exchanges and i got little miss i love my mission girl. and i didn't love all her scripture quoting and hymn humming and out of control testifying. i honestly didn't like it. i expecially didn't like it when our rendezvous fell through and i was stuck with out option. she did teach me about a lady with a house in rowanda that would let me pass the summer with her. that's somehting. at least right? it was a crazy day and well...it mad ethe time go by slowly but really fast.

oh yeah and an american family came to church on sunday and i bore my testimonly and they said i talk like a native. they wouldn't have been able to tell. that's awesome. they looked sooooo american. i mean really really american. it's not their fault.

other thoughts...spanish rice and guacomole is really good. i hate getting second guessed by other people. i don't do well with authoritative unexplained nos. expecially from 20 year old boys. i love budda but he just doesn't get the job done. and i'm so i love with these people.

an old salvation army man that lives in switzerland sent some tapes in english to bernard. and bernard shared them with us when my heart was hurting. and my soul was searching for something. relif of some kind. and this little old song from this old record said

i dont have to cross jordan alone.
he did for my sins atone
in the darkenss i see
he'll be waiting for me

i don't have to cross jordan alone.

and that, my friends is truth.

i love you

shai

what will it be like to wake up at 930 am? what will it be like to eat lucky charms and penut butter and sonic...hmmm...sonic.

what will it be like to set my own schedule.
go on a date.

dance.

so many things. who will i end up with. will the 7 month bet actually come true? (and elder made me a bet that i will be engaged 7 months from last zone conference meaning end of may.)

so many thoughts. so many dreams. so many new and different feelings.

life is ok. things are on the up. i getting scared to say good bye. my comp is growing in confidance. my city is growing in progress. i want to leave it on the up side.

i'm getting ready.

not many profound things to expond this week just getting ready. keeping my eyes open for miracles. and my heart open for insperation. i've started a little contest with my companion. we are doing an english fast. no english until i see my parents. until the last day of the mission. and it's actually going really well. soeur haake and i are learning a great lesson.
let me share.

haake hates french. she hates it. therefore it's hard for her. everyone thinks she's speaking english. it's really frustrating that she can't explain herself. teach or anything. so we decided to do this english fast. after one day she had had enough and the tears to show for it. and i asked her point blank if she loved the language. and she said no. and i challenged her to learn to love it. pray to love it. find the things that make it loveable. there is so much to love, you just have to change the way you look at it.

interesting.

i didn't think anything else about it. but little did i know our district leader had invited her to do an experiment for the week on Romands 5: 3-5 perserver though trials. and she shared her testimony at district meeting of how much this little learning experience changed things for her.

and as we talked aobut it after i realized that that's how i feel aobut contacting people on the street. i hate it. i've hated it my whole mission. i've done it and had some sucess but i've never loved it. and so we've decied to pray to love it. the lord gave us an entire efternoon to tlak to people. we fixed the goal to really share our heart with everyone. to talk about the happines that we feel with the testimony of jesus christ. and lo and behold more sucess in an afternoon than the entire past two weeks. a rendez vous an address and 3 phone numbers. and that's saying a lot. it was really really cool.

thanks god.

like elder euchdorf said last conference it's really the attitude, the desire that makes a huge difference. hopefully i can maintain this desire, this attitude for 21 more days. and arrive at the end as the missionariy the lord sent me to be.

have a great week.

i love you,shai