an explination

i guess i owe an explination for the past few rantings. somehow my blog has attracted commentary and i fear to offend in the things left unsaid.

first of all. yes. i felt like all hell had broken loose and combined against me. but it was adversity different than i have learned to counteratack. it wasn't non progressing investigators. it wasn't lack of language skills.

it was lack of self esteem. and as many times as i have delt with this oh so reocurring problem - my internal centralization was not strong enough keep me balenced. what's a little criticizm anyway?

the question is did it hurt so much because it was true?

possiblly.

however much credit is due to my president. in reflection, if roles were reversed i must justly realize that my letter would have been severly worse. and he has sinced out reached to save the sinking ship that is me and my lack of perspective. and through adult conversation and the guilt of a repentent child, a fill in father's blessing, and 3 packets of pocket tissue - the sea is calm, the mud is settling, and the ship is fixed on sailing to zion.

so much illeteration. how do you support this?

here's a little interesting twist. first zone conference president and wife gave every missionary a heart shaped bowl with the carved inscription "one heart one mind zion" cute. a great bowl for choco puffs and totters cereal. and through it all this heart has lasted. through a rough start. an emergency transfer. miss utah and her hair spray can. apostate recent converts. clean sweeps. all.

one day while ironing and eating breakfast at the same time - a talent only a missionary posseses - a surprising colapse of the already ghetto rigged ironing board caused an uproar of muslie and milk. but apearently unharmed, the task was resumed. several days later, in an act of service my companion was washing my bowl. it was nice of her considering i never did. i just reused the residue for the next days apatizer. and the hot water and suds combined with the previous crash created a clean break in two. my heart. my zion. broken.

but i didn't throw it away becuase i figured a little modge podge could fix it right up but never actually arrived at doing anything about it. and so it was placed on a shelf. two whole pieces.

and in my surprise - we need to talk even after i just went through training for 15 new missionaries and their companions but i'm driving 5 hours to see you becuase i'm worried about our relationship - interview president and his wife presented me with a new heart bowl of zion. a new heart. a new zion. a new chance eat lots of cereal with out going for seconds. a new chance to include myself in the cause of zion.

and i thought that was very cleverly crafted. ha sweet pun. but really. i was given a new heart. a new chance. what's 11 weeks anyway right?

i'm in. for the long hall. the hardest 11 weeks of what i've been asked to complete.

president is amazing. a very humble good man. patient with the faults and sensitivities of his missionaries.

forgive my disillusioned frustrations. perhaps i'm still fallen from grace. but i've got a new heart bowl and one more story to tell.

love
shai